| Heavy... |
[17 Dec 2006|06:27pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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Someone.
To need.
To listen.
To need someone.
Someone to listen.
To need someone to listen...
Someone...
Anyone, perhaps?
Imperfections are what make people unique, beautiful, attractive...
Instabilities are what make people insane.
No one will listen forever.
Someone miles away may listen better than one's closest friends, but cannot provide the tangible support one sometimes requires.
One's closest friends may be able to provide that required tangible support, but cannot listen to save their lives.
Therapists don't love their patients, they love their income. They cannot provide true help.
I have imperfections, as well as instabilities. Everyone does.
What I do not have is someone to listen... Well, not fully.
If I were to subject the one I love to some of the things that press on my mind most often, he would deny them, or they may scare him away.
Some matters I cannot tell some friends due to their ability to handle certain vulgarities, or their ability to care.
What if I told you I was really a boy?
What if I told you that I had been wearing a fat-suit all these years?
What if I told you I was really of another race?
What if I told you that I sometimes dream of us as friends again?
What if I told you about my attempts to end my life?
What if I told you I loved you?
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| Why can't I get just one... |
[26 Jan 2006|09:39pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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Add It Up by Violent Femmes |
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She looked to her right, putting an effort into distracting herself with something further down the street, but nothing was there. Distract herself from what, though? The moment, perhaps. It was awkward. The moment was so tremendously awkward and all she could do was wish it wasn't.
He touched her shoulder, causing her to turn back to him and gaze upward into his eyes. Oh, that was awkward, too. She was drawn into his stare, but broke it before she was engulfed. She feared drowning, in more than one sense. Piercing, however, did not bother her, unless it was his eyes that were doing the piercing. His eyes couldn't simply be described by "brown", and they weren't the stereotypical "chocolate" shade, either. Darker than sienna, they were, perhaps near the tone of Burnt Sienna, the Crayola crayon creation, if you handled it just right. His hand traveled down her back, lightly tracing the curve of her spine, stopping to rest on her hip. She hated and loved when he did this. He, Randall, no one else. It was a weakness of hers, the sensitivity of her back. She allowed no one else to commit such an act. His fingers dancing along each vertebrae sent tingles and chills throughout her whole body. She bit her lip to stifle the shivers and slid her arms around his waist, his other hand gliding across her shoulder blades, guiding her into his embrace.
Anxiety built up in the back of her throat, absorbing the moisture in her mouth. She was nervous, as was he, but she couldn't tell. Was nervous really the right term, though? Fear, maybe. There was no time for that now, though. The distraction she had been longing for minutes earlier had come. Giggling not too far away came drifting from behind a tree. He looked down at her and they both let out a small laugh. Their two mutual friends, Ellen and Frederick, that had left them on the corner were making an attempt at a sly approach. They failed miserably. Upon finally reaching the pair, Frederick began messing around like any other teenage boy would. Randall resisted joining him, however, and maintained an almost intimate hold on the shy girl. Ellen got bored all too soon and made off toward the high end of the street. It wasn't long before Randall and Frederick departed in the opposite direction, leaving her alone.
As she turned to head home, taking the same path as Ellen, she was hit by an upsetting feeling. She had neglected to give Randall what caused their friends to leave them in that awkward moment. When she reached the high end of the street, Ellen merrily approached her friend from her hiding place, which was again behind a tree, and began badgering her. Did she do it? How was it? What happened?
Nothing happened. She had failed. She, Mercedes, was a failure. Why? Why had she failed? Why hadn't she taken her chances and just went for it? Self doubt was a hagfish creeping up on her, inching its way into her being, leaving a suffocatingly slimy trail. She wondered many things. Maybe it's not supposed to happen. Maybe she's homosexual. Maybe she wasn't as fearless as she made herself out to be.
She felt horrible. Chances presented themselves, but she didn't take them. She hardly slept that night. The ceiling proved to be a canvas for her thoughts. She imagined many scenarios, even going as far as comparing her situation to that in the film "Never Been Kissed". She was Josie Gellar, except she was an actual high-school student, Randall was on the football team, and there was no way in hell that she was going to stand in the middle of a football field in front of football-fan-flooded bleachers and wait for someone to come along and...
"I quit." The darkness absorbed her voice and swallowed it whole. She closed her eyes, forcing the salty liquid that had gathered upon them out onto her skin. She turned over and swept the wetness from her face in anger, silently begging the darkness to consume her as well.
(...To Be Continued...?)
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| Teehee |
[11 Dec 2005|01:59pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
Ashley and CJ
Well, despite some past occurrences and many attempts to knock some sense into the blonde's head, she still likes CJ. CJ's faithfulness to his current girlfriend is becoming questionable.
Audrey and Jeff
Audrey no longer has feelings for and/or cares for CJ. (Thank Goddess >_>)
Anywho... my mother tried to give me the talk about "The Difference Between Male Friends and Boyfriends". Not many people know this, but at one point I did have a "crush" of sorts on Jeff. Yeah, Jeff, this means you don't have to keep it a secret anymore. One day after school, when I got in the car, my mum asked me, "Do you have a crush on Jeff?" I was baffled. I asked, "why?", she stated, "'cause I think you do." Oh, great.
Well, recently, something happened that caused me to break up with Brandon. (Yeah, to all you suckers that read this LJ and think I don't have a mate, there you go. We've been together since September 20th.) We were only apart for 29 hours, however. This morning my mum asked me if I broke up with Brandon. I was shocked and confused, and asked her if she had read the notebook that we all pass around. After I told her that we were only apart for 19 hours, she gave me the speech I mentioned. She told me that Jeff is an excellent friend, and will be an excellent friend for a very long time, but as a boyfriend, he would only hurt me. Brandon, however, she approved of as a boyfriend.
Well, what the fuck.
What the fuck... but thanks.
Thanks, Mah.
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[23 Nov 2005|11:11pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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Spiderwebs by No Doubt |
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It has been quite a while.
In the first entry I made, I mentioned six friends of mine. Since two months have already gone by, I would like to "update" each situation, plus some others.
Ashley and CJ
They were once together, then apart, then together again. During their first time together, they had been quite fast with each other. The reason for their original breakup was because CJ still "loved" another girl, Kat. After perhaps another month, CJ and Kat also broke up, but Ashley and CJ got back together. She went against all of her friends' best wishes, and the relationship didn't even last a week. They broke up yesterday. CJ is now with another girl, Kayla.
Audrey and Jeff
One still exhibits feelings for a previously mentioned person, despite that person's behaviour, (I assume I'm the only one that really knows this), and badly wants a partner, one they can keep. The other has another partner, yet secretly likes three other people, one of which they won't tell their identity.
Maggie and RJ
They are now friends, despite the breakup and RJ's absolutely ridiculous way of acting.
I was actually able to sum all of that better than I first suspected.
Anywho, Jeff, Brandon, Alicia, Ashley, and myself have been writing in a shared notebook. I less than three teenage drama.
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[12 Oct 2005|06:57am] |
THE ULTIMATE SILENCE
October 12, 1998
Listen to the mustnt's, child.
Listen to the dont's.
Listen to the shouldnt's,
The impossibles, the wont's.
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me ...
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.
~ Shel Silverstein
Seven years ago today, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual.
What will you do to end the silence?
Click here to post this on your own page or weblog
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| I'll lay me down tonight... |
[01 Oct 2005|11:40pm] |
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mood |
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 lethargic |
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music |
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Silver and Cold by AFI |
] |
Why is it that humans are so attached to memories and secrets...
Thoughts.
Thoughts that can be manipulated and shared at will.
Some humans cling to "bad" memories. Everyone has at least one; An embarrassing moment, a near-death experience, being violated somehow. Why do we cling to horrible experiences? Is it to justify better things in life, or to give us excuses for other things.
Secret Memories. Things we aren't all-too-willing to tell even the closest people to us. We are wary of telling family, scared of telling friends... But if we don't tell someone, sometime, it'll just eat us up inside and ruin a part of our being.
Mine? I've thought about it perhaps every day for the last five years. It burns. Who must I tell?
I tell friends.
For me, it's a boundary for them to be aware of. I have yet to tell some of my recent closest friends, though. I'm actually somewhat afraid to. Most people I've told in the past I've basically lost closeness with. A previous "best friend", three "boyfriends", a "girlfriend"...
I don't want to lose the friends I have now.
A letter to you...
Maybe
But I'm not sure
If I could write something to you
It wouldn't be to you at all
It would be to pain...
Mistakes and drama...
If I could write a letter
To... you...
I'd have to store it in this burning hole...
Right here...
...And I do.
I've had this note to you for nearly two years
Stored in the burning hole manifested in me by you.
You're the reason for some of my fears...
Fears...
Fuck that.
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| All good things... |
[20 Sep 2005|10:32pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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I Wanna Hold Your Hand by The Beatles |
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Why do humans amuse themselves with things such as relationships?
Wouldn't it make more sense if humans were to find a partner and that partner be the right one for the rest of their lives?
Or is it this fascination with going into and coming out of multiple relationships to find "The One" yet another thing that supposedly makes us "better", or "more advanced"?
I, myself, have been in multiple relationships. Most of them, however, have been long distance. It seems to be true that when you get into a closer relationship with a friend than just having a friendship, after that relationship has ended, then your friendship must suffer. Why is this? Is it because humans are weak and cannot deal with emotional pain, or because it's just too strange to revert back to doing the old "friend stuff" with someone you used to do "relationship things" with? Why do people convince themselves that losing someone they were once attached to in such a way will ultimately effect their life, bring them to death, ruin their future, whatever? Why are so many teenagers with relationships now think that this relationship will be the perfect one and will last forever?
All good things must come to an end.
This just relates back to the previous entry. Nothing is permanent. Yet humans still try to obtain permanency.
Eyes are the windows to the soul.
This is why humans feel a connection, listen better, and even get "funny" little feelings when looking into the eyes of another.
This is why I talk to walls.
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| I'm still lost... |
[19 Sep 2005|08:07pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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Blue Orchid by The White Stripes |
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Someone once taught me that nothing is permanent.
Let me rephrase that.
Someone once led me into accepting that nothing is permanent. It was not by temptation or bribery. I just had to accept it. It's not something to know, despite its truth. It's something to accept.
I carry on acceptances such as these and share them with my angst and drama-ridden peers. Why should I let anyone in on such obvious things? I'll ask you, "Why not?"
People need to learn how to be open-minded and accepting early in life. If one cannot live and let live, accept things how they are, then how are they to enjoy life and experience things to their fullest? So many adults will tell us to enjoy our teenage years, but fears and ignorance stop so many from doing so many things.
My friends and myself are prime examples of these types teens. I have fears, I have ignorances yet to be discovered. I am okay with admitting this. My friends, however...
Ashley and CJ
Two of my friends recently broke up after dating for a month. They are both hurting, both prone to tears. Being an empathic type, it hurts me to see them like this. Both of them will move on, however. The friendship will still be there. All of us will still gather on my front porch and fool around like the hooligans we sometimes seem to be.
Audrey and Jeff
Another two friends of mine have also come out of a botched relationship. One was only in it to have a partner, and has been crushing on one of the previously mentioned friends for three years. It was a first for the other, whom was crushing on the other previously mentioned friend, but only recently. Neither of them were really hurt when coming out of it.
Maggie and RJ
Both fairly new friends, one I met just last year, the other I have known of for a while but have only gotten to know within the past several days. They too have broken up, and it saddens me greatly to perhaps see a repeat of something that has happened before. The latter of the two previously dated a friend of the prior, then moved to my friend after breaking up with the other. I do fear to say that this process may be repeated. I feel for one, yet somewhat despise the other - empathy is lacking greatly on their part. Tomorrow I shall assist in the smoothing out of such things.
All of this is nothing more than drama. I care for all of my friends, I know feelings are being toyed with... but all it takes is acceptance.
My purpose in life?
I am a stepping stone.
This is why I hate feet.
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| Yet Again... |
[19 Sep 2005|07:19pm] |
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mood |
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okay |
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This journal is yet another in the long installments of LJ's owned by one person. Most of them are Friends-Only journals, known of by few. Each LJ has its own use. This one has yet to find its purpose.
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